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Things that should never occur in your life:

1. Being chased by a woman in a giant Twinkie costume.

2. Getting hit while in a parking lot… And stationary.

3. Being sexually harassed in the face by your best friend’s feet.

4. Tearing six ligaments in your ankle from tripping off of a six-inch step.

5. Mumbling… Uncontrollably.

6. Being Tess from the novel Tess of the D’Urbervilles (never, ever, EVER, read.)

7. Paint your nails 5 times a week. 

8. Paint your nails ever. (It’s addicting)

9. Hang out of a car window, while going 65 on a 35.

10. The need of holding your tits while running, at Any. Given. Time…

11. NOT reading White Girl Problems by Babe Walker.

12. Forgetting everything you were supposed to say/do/life..

13. Write ridiculous blogs like this one. Too much effort. Not enough followers. Worth it? Of course.

Have anything to add to this list? Do it.

Kthanksbye.

REBLOG IF YOU ARE ONLINE AND HAVE NEVER BEEN PROMOTED BY US YET.

scottzzzz:

Must be following all of us: (We honestly do check)

http://scottzzzz.tumblr.com/ (134k)
http://this—too—shall—pass.tumblr.com/ (119k)
http://4lejandra.com (71k)
http://www.max-ime.tumblr.com/ (45k)
http://ryaninwonderland.tumblr.com/ (70k)
http://frederiquexo.com (68k)
http://scottzzie.tumblr.com/ (43k) 

No likes. Reblog up to 3 times.

Imagine your blog being promoted to over 500.000 dashboards.

Many solo and group promo’s. Promoting heaps of blogs!
Gain 200-300 followers instantly. 

Must reach 400 notes.

DON’T MISS OUT ON THIS ONE GUYS!!!!!!!! 

(Source: the-personal-quotes)

REBLOG IF YOU ARE ONLINE AND HAVE NEVER BEEN PROMOTED BY US YET.

scottzzzz:

Must be following all of us: (We honestly do check)

http://scottzzzz.tumblr.com/ (134k)
http://this—too—shall—pass.tumblr.com/ (119k)
http://4lejandra.com (71k)
http://www.max-ime.tumblr.com/ (45k)
http://ryaninwonderland.tumblr.com/ (70k)
http://frederiquexo.com (68k)
http://scottzzie.tumblr.com/ (43k) 

No likes. Reblog up to 3 times.

Imagine your blog being promoted to over 500.000 dashboards.

Many solo and group promo’s. Promoting heaps of blogs!
Gain 200-300 followers instantly. 

Must reach 400 notes.

DON’T MISS OUT ON THIS ONE GUYS!!!!!!!! 

(Source: the-personal-quotes)

REBLOG IF YOU ARE ONLINE AND HAVE NEVER BEEN PROMOTED BY US YET.

scottzzzz:

Must be following all of us: (We honestly do check)

http://scottzzzz.tumblr.com/ (134k)
http://this—too—shall—pass.tumblr.com/ (119k)
http://4lejandra.com (71k)
http://www.max-ime.tumblr.com/ (45k)
http://ryaninwonderland.tumblr.com/ (70k)
http://frederiquexo.com (68k)
http://scottzzie.tumblr.com/ (43k) 

No likes. Reblog up to 3 times.

Imagine your blog being promoted to over 500.000 dashboards.

Many solo and group promo’s. Promoting heaps of blogs!
Gain 200-300 followers instantly. 

Must reach 400 notes.

DON’T MISS OUT ON THIS ONE GUYS!!!!!!!! 

(Source: the-personal-quotes)

Did I die?

Probably… So here’s an extra long post for you psychos. I’m not too sure if you can handle this, but hey, I’ll give it a shot.

Friday was the most interesting day of my college life, and I’m not even in college yet. I went to experience “college”, and by that I mean I partied my ass off and got totally shitfaced. Perfect college experience I’d say…NOT. One, I got lost. Go figure. No GPS (it broke), no smart phone (I’m poor, what do you want from me?), just good old fashion mapquest directions. No biggie, until you miss the biggest exit and end up going to a different state. Yep, different fucking state.. After my one-turned-to-three hour car ride I finally am at college and ready to party. Well, my friend has no party. I did not get lost in sketchville to not party.. Then he finds one. This bitch gets us lost by foot going to the party. So after walking in circles for an hour, and approximately five miles of that circle, we find the place. I enter to a smell of vomit and booze, typical. Two people are already piss drunk and one’s vomming everywhere. Gross. But hey, it’s college. I get appropriately wasted and start guessing people’s birth years. Surprisingly I got all of my guesses right without even meeting these people before. Guys, let’s face it, I’m just a pro. We’re there for a good four hours and everyone leaves. My hero Scott gets us back to the bus stop and I hug my hero. I’ll never see him again, but if by any random chance he sees this, here’s a little letter:

Dear Hero Scott,

I LOVE YOU. You brought me home to safety. I’m sorry I’m just a drunk whore, please forgive me. See you next friday.

Love,

Me.

..Back to the story.

My dear friend gets us back to his dorm and my two ladies pass out. Then my friend continues to drink alone. Bad plan. I told him to go to bed because we were all wasted fucks and need sleep. He wouldn’t listen. So I pass the fuck out on the floor like the classy lady I am and wake up an hour later to him vomming everywhere. Not fun. My ladies and I have no clue what to do. So we try our best to help him out, but that mother fucker was passed out like no other. So after we did our best college-nursing, we left. Mind you, this is 5 a.m. and we end up calling my best friend ever. This is also the second time I have awoken my darling from her beauty sleep to save my sorry ass (camping trip, if this gets reblogged enough I’ll share that.. TRAGIC) Now, of course I didn’t drive my car back home or I’m sure we would have been in multiple trees. My appropriately licensed lady drove us back, but we got lost again. OF-FUCKING-COURSE. After a two hour car ride we finally get to bestie’s house. I gracefully (LOLJK) let us into the house with my key, which all best friends should have, and we crash. Somehow I woke up perfectly fine another three hours later and was as good as ever.

On a serious note, my buddy called me when he woke up and he was totally okay. We were all seriously worried about him, but he’s all good and wants us back this friday.

So I go about my weekend, checking my facebook and shit. Commented on my friends status about mirror pictures (hate them), then, she messages me saying she saw me on the bus with my ladies, and my guy friend….Who is her ex.

OH SNAP.

She immediately tells me not to date him, which is totally okay. I understand the ex girlfriend feeling, been there done that. But she also told me the exact percentage of her running into him. Something like, .0000035 or a weird decimal. I don’t even know how she did that. It just threw me off a bit. She started ranting about their relationship and let me tell you, I was not ready for that. For some reason, people think I’m good at giving relationship advice. Not gonna brag but I’ll say I’m pretty decent. Honest, but decent. I never thought a conversation about mirror pictures could turn into a heart to heart, but the world is full of surprises.

Lesson of the decade: Know your limits, get the right directions, don’t wake up your best friend or she WILL murder the shit out of you, and don’t mess with the exes.. Ever.

Got any funny drunk/best friend/getting lost/psycho encounters/crazy weekend stories? Feel free to reply!

Kthanksbye. 

Grammar.. Use it.

Really bitches? Get your shit together. Grammar is simple. WRITE SOMETHING THAT MAKES SENSE. No numbers, you’re not five. Use vowels, they’re there for a reason. Words are spelled a certain way for a reason as well, stop trying to change them. Also, stop trying to make q look like a g. Q ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN, SO STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN GRETCHEN. Sidenote: Mean Girls quotes never get old. ANYWAYS, use real words, you’re not batshit crazy. 
Sure, I may not be the best when it comes to grammar and sentence structure, but I’m one crazy mother fucker. At least I can spell, use the correct letters, and know the difference between you’re/your, they’re/their/there, where/wear, whether/weather, two/to/too. For real…  

Kthanksbye.

Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

It's hard to tell w/o seeing it on, but based on the dress alone -- go Marilyn!

I feel like that may be part of my issue. Another issue I have is heels. I want heels. I’m dying to wear heels. I’m 5’6” and never get to wear heels. I lead such a sad life.. Anyway, the red one I could wear bright red heels and and be fun. But the Marilyn one I could be classy and have classy heels. Woe is me!

Decisions, Decisions…

Prom is kinda a big thing, right? Maybe? No? Whatever. Point is, I actually need your help this time. I’ll get on my knees and…. beg. If you wish. Run around screaming nonsense about aliens, tattoo a cat to my ass. Anything. But not really, I won’t tattoo a cat to my ass.

Basically, I have two options that I am just torn between. I’ll link them below. Vintage is my theme, and I’m going to make it work. Struttin’ my stuff in a chic little dress, it’s gonna happen. 

Option number one: http://www.unique-vintage.com/gathered-chiffon-sweetheart-shoulder-layered-short-prom-dress-p-18049.html

This dress…. SO CUTE. Red is totally a good color on me, not even gonna lie. I could totally do a cute up-do with some adorable heels and glam this out. Totes modern flapper, am I right or what? My issue… A little friend of mine is psycho and thinks that no one in our group should have a red dress, since this bitch here has a mother fucking red dress. Now, our dresses? No way similar. Being top dog in the grade ranking of this school I have priority. Bitch can get on my level. I’ll wear whatever color I please, and quite honestly, I look better in red than she. Bright red washes her out just a teensy bit. Love her to death, but softer colors do wonders for that gal.

Option number two: http://www.unique-vintage.com/1950s-style-white-marilyn-satin-halter-prom-dress-p-3041.html

 Now, as we all know Marilyn Monroe was FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC and sexy as hell, which totally makes me jealous. If I could pick up guys as easily as her… Man, I’d have James Franco in a heartbeat. James Franco.. Love him, he doesn’t know it yet, but we’re totes married. Anyway, this dress, GORG. It would make my tits look fantastic! Short, vintage, acceptable. My issue… that’s one awkward length. Granted, I can get it hemmed (and will) but it will also be my second white dress in a row. Isn’t that a sin in girl world or something? I don’t actually know how life works..

Question of the decade: Which would you choose/choose for someone? Or if you are of the male genitalia, which would you choose for your girlfriend/ladyfriend/female best friend/drag outfit? All opinions are welcome.

Kthanksbye. 

Church Events? Too mainstream.

Today marks a day in the history that is my life, where I realize how I should be UNinvited to church events. Why? Because I am a fucking idiot. I should probably stop being batshit crazy and get my life together, but that sounds way too boring.

My best friend decided it would be okay to bring me along to a pancake dinner at her House of the Holy, which I’m totes fine with. Except when I feel like I am constantly being judged. Fact. You see, a person coming to a charity event to help out dressed in tie-dye with your broken moccasin string dragging everywhere (hey, I’m too poor to buy a new baby pink one, get at me) is most likely socially unacceptable. Honey Badger don’t give a shit, right? WRONG. This badger gives lots of shits… Lots. Of. Shits. Mini panic attack here and there, but hey, I survived and am telling you about it. I think that’s an exciting achievement… Back to my terrible story:

I pushed around a cart all night filled with silverware, place mats, and a smelly wet rag going table to table cleaning up after randoms telling God to bless me. Thank you for the compliment, but I’m pretty blessed as is. I mean really, how can you resist this ADORABLE face I’ve got going on? I’m just a hot mess over here..

Speaking of hot messes, the kid that was assisting me was one. Love that boy to death, hilarious kid, doesn’t take direction well. I’m a little OCD about simple things, such as making a place to eat look presentable, and this bitch here is throwing silverware all over the place. So naturally I complain, and proceed to doodle on him after our job is one. Payback? Successful. So successful, that I rolled down the ramp in the hall. That’s right bitches, rolled. Eventually I got to the end and noticed a little girl and her mother staring at me, in which the child says, “Mommy, is that girl special?” getting a reply of “Yes… Very special. Don’t ever do that, you might get your dress dirty.” 

Thank you, kind church lady, for telling your daughter that I am a dirty hobo. I’ll make sure to trip you when you walk by my alley. I’m going back to my cardboard box now.

Lesson of the decade: Being a helpful non-church goer who releases their inner child makes you a hobo.

Have any embarassing, funny, or just plain amusing church stories?  Feel free to share them with me and the rest of the world. 

Kthanksbye.

Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

Just be careful of what you say, sarcasm, as you just found out, rarely translate via text on the internet. People can be really sensitive. And by the way, I think I'll follow you. And I appreciate your fast, honest, and polite reply.

Sarcasm is a silly thing, but thank you for your kindness and understanding. 

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